I found out this evening that I did not make the Top 5 bloggers for the Kidspot Top 50 Bloggers competition.
I know. Stop crying.
Congratulations to the wonderful women who did. You can read more about them here. I think they are very deserving, and I felt really honoured to have even made the Top 50 list with them.
As much as I would have loved to have made the Top 5, or to even have won, (who wouldn’t want a new car), there is something I really must admit.
I’m kind of relieved that I didn’t.
I get a really strange sense of that now as my breath feels normal again and I feel a lightness around my shoulders.
The pressure of the black cloud has now been blown away.
After I wrote my mammoth piece on “memorable road trip reflections” and then asked, ahh maybe begged, people to spread the love and vote for me, I realized I didn’t really like doing that.
Competing against others
After a couple of days I sort of just stopped. The thought of winning and being the best began to stir up a slight feeling of angst and I didn’t like the whole feeling that lies behind a competition.
Don’t get me wrong, I like winning, but I like winning more for myself. Knowing that I have won by achieving my goals, not that I won by having others lose, or not win.
My podcast this week was all about Comparing Yourself to Others and how this can be a really detrimental thing to your own success and feelings of self-worth. The competition further highlighted for me just how much I believe in this.
Maybe these feelings could be put down to my own fear of losing and inadequacies. But, I think my uneasiness really ran deeper than that.
The thought of winning was related to the prize at the end of it. I found it quite enticing to think I could own a brand new Ford Territory, even if it was just for a year. I’ve never owned a brand new car and the exposure that could have come from it would have been wonderful.
Underneath all of that though, came the most important unsettling factor.
I didn’t really want the car. Because having the car meant a huge interruption to what I really wanted.
It was only about a week after I wrote my drive post that I realized what I really wanted. And that was then the black cloud really appeared. The car didn’t fit into my plans. I tried to ignore it and pretend that I was being silly and winning would really be a great thing. And it would be, but..
As Craig and I were talking about our plans and getting excited by them the statement would always arise,
“You know if you win that car, we won’t be able to do that.”
“Oh. Well…we’ll figure something out. Gotta keep my options open. If it is meant to be, it’s meant to be”
So, I did what I had to do. I left it up to the fate of the Gods, and I decided not to think about it again until today.
I hated asking people to vote for me, so I stopped. I thought, if I win it then it is meant to be, and if I don’t then my life, as I really want it to be, is meant to be.
This is why I am relieved to find out today I didn’t win. Actually, I am damned excited. Now I really understand what it is I have to do and I can focus on that.
Why I don’t like Competitions
From this I have learned, competitions aren’t really my thing. Asking people to vote and comment on my work makes me feel as if I am an uninvited religious person knocking at your door begging you to be saved like I am.
I also really don’t like having to adhere to a set of rules. I don’t like the pressure that comes from having to write or act in a certain way and the further the competition ran the more cynical I became about the real winners- Ford- and all that free promotion they were getting. I really liked the way Maxabella Loves approached her entry post, and I wished I did the same.
I don’t like competing against others. I believe more in co-operation than competition. I think there is room for everyone at the top and we can help each other get there. This gives me more satisfaction.
I also hate the feeling that comes with wondering if I am good enough and feeling kind of let down when you don’t win. Even though this is not true, I’m sure all those in this situation feels unworthy in some slight way.
I’m still really happy to make lists of great bloggers, especially this one, as long as I have no part in creating the list or asking others to put me on it. I’m happy to be rewarded for my efforts as well. Perhaps Toyota , or better yet, Qantas, would like to sponsor me instead?
But ultimately, the competition just made me lose my focus on what is really important; on my true purpose and goals in life.
I’ve been waiting until the results came out before I could write any more about what they are. Actually I have been hanging all day for the results to be made so I could just let it out what we are planning to do. As I said if the results had put me in the top 5 my direction would have changed. I’m happy to say it would not have been for the best for me.
So stay tuned to learn more about what we have planned. We are now free to pursue them.
The air around me is so clear tonight.
Thank you to my wonderful readers and friends who supported me in the competition. It will not be forgotten.
How do you feel about competitions like this? Do you think they can make you lose your focus?