I never thought I would never feel this way again. Hollow. empty.
The wind whips around me and I feel no emotion; almost as if the wind could blow right through me and I wouldn’t feel a thing, except maybe the cold chill that comes when you lose all hope. The very thing that keeps you steadfast in your inner peace.
When you have hope you have everything.
I can feel a tiny slimmer of it deseparate to break through the still blackness. But I’m too afraid to let it out now, due to years of throwing all my faith and hope into that thing that is bigger than me and only being disappointed.
What do you call that thing?… God.. the Universe… energy…me?
I’ve given up trying to name it or understand it. I’ve given up trying to even believe in it. Most of the time it feels as if it’s here just to beat you down and remind you of how small you really are.
I never really wanted to believe that. I wanted to see it only full of love and support. The Genie in my bottle. Now that hope seems to be carried away by the wind and I’m left with an empty shell.
Sometimes I wonder if I am suffering from depresssion, that ghastly affliction that leads you to the covering of your pain with drugs, comfy couches or electric shocks. But, I know I am not depressed, just a little shaken.
I know what this pain means. Its just a part of life, the ebb and flow of our emotions. Not to be feared, but in a strange way to be embraced. Embraced for the lesson it is trying to teach us. Embraced for the old it is trying to help us bid goodbye to. Embraced for representing the greater joy that will soon be following it.
I’ve walked these crossroads before. I saw the two paths; one to Nowhere and the other to Somewhere. And all those years ago that tiny slimmer of hope pushed me down to somewhere. I understand my pain and even now, despite the tears and the confusion, I know how to wave goodbye to the Path to Nowhere that beckons I come walk it.
And even though sometimes I think of nowhere and the peace that must come when all your problems disappear, I know that it is not a path that I can ever tread. If I just keep walking on the path to somewhere, even if it is just a crawl, eventually the blackness will fade to light; a light that burns brightly with the hope and promise of a better day.
Part of putting the mojo into your life is understanding that emotions you feel are part of the human experience. They are not to be feared, squashed back into the recesses of your mind, or controlled by pain numbing pills. They are here to be felt and embraced in order to let them pass and open up the way for other, more fulfilling emotions to enter in. You are far more powerful than you give yourself credit for.
PS: Just to make sure my friends and readers don’t worry about me and I have been clear. I am okay and not suffering from depression.
How do you handle your painful emotions? Do you understand their purpose?