This morning we found out one of our dreams or goals came to fruition.
And I want to throw up.
I can’t focus on anything, my nerves are frayed and I am literally close to hugging the porcelin bowl.
What the hell is this all about?
My initial reaction was a yelp of good cheer when I first read the email letting me know that what we wanted had arrived.
I am still so incredibly excited and so so grateful. (Excuse Me that foolish man who said gratitude was too touchy feely)
But there is this fear disguised as sickness lingering in and I need to kick that in the butt.
I know that fear could storm on in and jeopardize everything.
It’s time we had a chat.
Excuse me fear. What are you doing here? Why are you trying to rain on my parade?
Because these things never happen to you. Something is going to go wrong and it will be torn out from under your feet. I’m just trying to protect you.
Why would it go wrong? It is exactly as we hoped, the timing is right.
This is your life, the eternally dangling carrot that gets whipped away at the last minute leaving you to cry. Besides I don’t think you are good enough for the job.
What do you mean? Not good enough. This is what we have been working hard for, for so long. This is exactly what we had envisioned our life being. I must be good enough if I dreamed it and worked for it. This is the life that is meant only for me now arriving.
But what if you can’t do it? What if you have been fooling yourself and you really can’t deliver? What will that mean then?
You will look like a fool. You will have to go and hide your head in the sand like an ostrich and never come back out again. People won’t like you, they won’t want to follow you.
Why are you being so mean? I am good enough, I can deliver. This is my dream, this is exactly what I want to do.
Yes but think of all the things that can go wrong. Wouldn’t you rather be safe? Wouldn’t you rather just live in the land where nothing goes right and your dreams always remain on the periphery. This is what is safe for you. As bad as what it is, It is what you know. You are better off leaving the dreams for dreams and continuing on with the struggle.
No. Not this time you don’t.
I will not allow you to become a monster in my life and take away from me that which I deserve. You will not steal from me my dreams. You won’t make the tears I’ve cried, the sleepless nights, the playing full out to all be for nothing.
It has been for something. It has been for this. My dreams, my purpose, my life.
This is what I want to do. This is what I can do and this is what I deserve to do.
It is finally happening for me. Everything will work out perfectly. It will not be snatched away from me. I will over deliver and do what I set out to do. Live my life the way I want to live it and show others that they can easily do the same.
This dream is not just for me but it is for all those who dream and work and believe that they too deserve it.
And they do
And so do I
Thank you for visiting fear and showing me what I truly do deserve. Thank you for always being a part of my life fear. You serve a very important purpose. You are here to protect me and keep me safe. And you do that well in times of danger.
But right now you are not serving your purpose. You are not protecting me you are sheltering and mottle coddling me. You are not keeping me safe, you are preventing me from living my dreams.
I have to ask you to leave now. Remember all those years ago when I said Yes.
I said yes to my dreams and that I would do whatever it takes. You have to allow me to do that now. You cannot stand in my way, otherwise it has all been for nothing.
I ask you to remain in my life but to only live your purpose. Only speak to me when my life or that of those around me is in danger. Then I will hear your message clearly.
I don’t need you to protect me in any other way. I am perfectly fine to deal with everything else on my own.
Now I can breathe again. The sickness has cleared and it is time for some celebrating and preparing.
Life is beautiful
You will not defeat me this time. This is my dream now be gone with you.