It shows me how useless I really am. It highlights how ineffective I am to manage, to solve problems, to handle my own emotions, to allow this unconditional love to always be at the forefront.
It shows me how much I fail over and over again.
I promise I’ll do better next time and then only a day or two later the buttons are pushed and pushed and I hear myself screaming at Kalyra once again.
I want to punch myself.
How could you? You have no control or capacity for kindness.
Man, I SUCK at this job.
“Mummy is sorry for getting angry at you. I hate it when I do. I’m promise I’m gong to do really better next time to not get angry with you. Can you promise you’ll help me too by getting ready the first time I ask you?”
(Because by the 20th time and only five minutes to the school bell, I start losing it. And then when you start being all sassy with me the pressure pot over-boils)
I can’t handle the runny nose and constant coughs, the sleepless nights, the arguments, the unhealthy diets, the lack of quality time, and the endless whinge that grates down my nerves and shows me how out of control I really am.
How do you cope? How do you become the world’s best parent? How do you let your unconditional love rise above the stresses, the demands, the feelings of inadequacies, and your own humane tolerances and capacities?
I wrote recently over on y travel blog about my tendency to run. When the problems become too much to bear, when I can’t find a solution, and my boundaries have been pushed to the max, I lace up the boots and I fucking sprint as far as I can.
One month to go and I’m starting my marathon.
I don’t think I’m ever going to nail this parenting gig, but I know once I am travelling away from the stress and pressure, I’ll have a better grip.
My focus won’t be on fighting against walls trying to get my children to do things they don’t want to do. I won’t be doing things I don’t want to do. I won’t be reminded me of my failings everywhere I turn.
Instead, I’ll have the winds of freedom at my back, and a space to allow the unconditional love to dominate.
Time to play, to love, to laugh, to improve our health, and allow the earth to heal us.
I don’t want to fail my children anymore and stay stuck in this cycle. Remaining in a settled life means I will hurt them more than I ever would uprooting them and turning them into nomads.
In a few months time I want to be writing “I love parenting because..”
Why do you hate parenting? How do you keep a grip on the demands without failing and hurting your children?