And should I add in slightly pissed!
This is the tumbleweed of my life. The scenery, characters and the circumstances change a little but the rolling grasses of these emotions remain constant.
I’ve been trying to figure this out for the past few weeks. I’ve called on shamans, and potions, real medical doctors, universal energy, and perhaps someone called God.
I’ve tried to ignore the pissed off feeling. Actually I think I do that a lot. Try to pretend its not there because I worry about the karmic effects.
I shouldn’t worry because I do a pretty poor job of balancing out the karma anyway. I sure ain’t perfect and mess up a lot but I’m thinking it might be better to be a total asshole. Is it easier?
I like to think I do my best to be a good person, to over deliver, to give of my time to others, to care about them. Lately I’ve been pissed because I often feel like its all for nothing. Surrounding me lately seems to be people who just make me feel bad and pissed.
I’ve questioned myself for weeks now. What is wrong with me? Agonized over it. And been slightly sad. The anger and frustration bubbling and bubbling.
I thoroughly enjoyed my T-Qual Race I was on last week. I was with a bunch of ladies who made me laugh a lot, who cared, who helped, who gave, who supported and encouraged. Which gave me further clarity on decisions I need to make.
And they took my mind off my concern. A huge one that keeps me up at night and brings tears in my silent spaces.
This fear and questioning has awoken the loneliness, the anger and the hurt. I can’t pretend anymore that it doesn’t matter. That’s it’s just the way it is. That it’s what I deserve just for being me. Because being me is so bad. It’s every where I turn.
Fuck you for making me feel like that. Fuck myself for believing it for my whole life.
There’s a part of my life that is so good and happy, which is why I get frustrated even more. I know where I need to go and what I need to do to make that part of my life be the dominating one. For the past few weeks I am learning how to let go to move on. To get rid of the shit so I can be who I really am and be around those who accept me and like me for it. I don’t want to be silent anymore. Someone who is not allowed to share.
I’m so lucky that I have Craig. He (and my family) is the only person in my life I feel who has my back. Truly. And that makes me a little sad.
The frustration and confusion and concern and the little bits of anger are helping me to bring clarity.
Just how much I’ve tolerated in my life. Told myself it was okay to be treated less than, believed that it was actually what I deserved.
I think there is a big cleansing process happening. I’m totally destroying the old and making room only for what I deserve.
It’s a rocky ride. Finding a way to stop the damn tumbleweed.
I’m starting with this post, continuing with huge culls from life of people who don’t give a shit and replace them with those who do-those I should be putting my time into- and putting my foot forward into the life I really want to have, and stop giving excuses and allowing the manifestation of things that cause me to feel frustrated and confused.
Craig’s writing a huge post on y travel blog to be published this week about the secret to our life. He’s braver than I, speaking words I’ve not been able to even whisper.
Reading what he has written has opened up an ulcer of intense pain I did my best to bury so that I wouldn’t reap the karmic returns. It’s burning and makes me want to hurl the anger like a canon bomb to certain people, but also to the air. I didn’t realize how much I was just putting up with.
I think if I don’t finally face it that things won’t change and the one thing I am most concerned about will really happen. And that’s a dark, paralyzing fear I can’t ever come back from.
Sorry for clogging up the positive space here with my shit. I don’t even care who reads it. Why should we? Why do we care so much what people think? We should be caring more about what our self thinks?
I just need to get this out. To admit to myself my anger and to know that it is okay. It’s a letting go process for me. The clarity now is huge. I know what I have to do I just have to find a way to make it happen.
I’ll be back on Sunday with more gratitude and happiness 🙂 Sharing the ultra cool side of my life–the part that blossoms when I roam this beautiful world of ours. I need more time for roaming.