What lies at my heart centre

by Caz Makepeace on September 28, 2012

6

I have a reader who has turned into somewhat of a friend- a friend who is also a silent mentor. Silent because she doesn’t know about it.

But, she thinks like me and she always has my back and I so appreciate her.

She receives my latest posts via email and often hits reply to give me an encouraging word, some feedback or a little deeper insight.

She makes me stop and think.

She knows when I’m overwhelmed and not coming from my, as she recently called it, heart centre.

I really know my heart centre. I’m so in tune with it, but my heart centre has been so buried lately.

Buried under endless tasks which I feel I have to do, tasks that don’t light a fire in my belly, but are essential because they mean I can put food in my babes’ mouth and I can have the life I’ve always dreamed about.

Except my dream life is not quite here. It’s not here because I am not completely doing what I love and what is at my heart centre.

Tara said to me in one email that she thought I needed to remove the fears that were holding me back from doing what I really wanted.

You know those limiting beliefs that stop you from doing what you love before you even put the first step forward.

I have no money, I have no time.

Do you know them?

I use them all the time. Quite often I don’t have the time or money, like really don’t, but that is because I choose to spend my time and money in other areas.

Other areas that take the focus from the fact that I am actually scared to do what is at my heart centre.

Terrified.

When we really take the time to examine what lies underneath our excuses and what is really preventing us from doing what lies at our heart centre we will always uncover fear, or it’s cousins, doubt and insecurity.

Killers of the dream. Preventers of your ability to be and do more, to live your purpose, to make a difference.

So what is at my heart centre? What do I really want to do?

This. What I’m doing now. Sharing and helping to empower people to live an inspired life

Helping people to understand that the magic lives inside of them, and when we use that to connect to Universal magic we can create the life we really really want.

I’ve always been a searcher, a deep thinker, a scholar.

I’ve dedicated so many years to learning from successful people, spiritual teachers and those I admire.

I have committed myself to making my life count and so learning through endless lessons and tears how to be and do better.

I’ve made monumental mistakes. Mistakes I have still yet to forgive myself for and I keep fucking up every single day.

Every day I’m doing something that reminds me of the imperfection of my humanness and I feel like I go back to square one. Let’s try again one more day to get it right.

And I try every single day and I always will because humans will never get it right. We aren’t perfect and its time we started to embrace that we don’t need fixing and decide, that despite the imperfections, we don’t need to continually beat ourselves up, we just need to pick ourselves up and do better tomorrow.

So why don’t I do I live from my heart centre?

Because I’m scared and insecure.

Because every time I feel that fire and I start moving in that direction the fear reminds me that I am not worthy.

“Caroline, you are no one special. Who are you to think that you can help people live an inspired life? You make mistakes every day and you struggle, how could you possibly try to help others tap into their mojo when it is a constant battle for you.”

I think I have to wait until I have perfected life before I can share the powerful ways that I have learned how to use your mojo to create your dream life.

I forget that I lived my dream life for many years travelling the world with Craig, while someone else rented out our property by the beach that we owned free and clear. Instead, I remember how I lost all of my future on a bad investment that was overrun by drug dealers, Crips and Blood gang wars and police stake outs.

I forget how now I have almost turned it around to reclaim my life, travelling again and spending my days doing what I truly love after many many years of trying to find it, with my children by my side.

I forget all that I have done and achieved because my mind can’t get over the one small fact that I am not perfect and I make mistakes every day. I forget that this doesn’t mean I am a failure.

Sometimes I remember and my belly lights on fire and I feel once again that I am making my life meaningful and the spirit of that joy and purpose floods me again.

And then my mind starts telling me that if I spend my days sharing this knowledge like I am a chosen one or something that I’ll come across as someone who is that, someone pretending to be an enlightened being.

Like I’m really no Dr Wayne dyer who really has lived an inspired life, or the great Dalia Lama, or the snazzy and ultra-cool Maria Forleo, or the enigmatic Anthony Robbins, or the humble and gentle Yossi Ghinsberg who changed my life, not just with the words he spoke about overcoming fear and the magic that exists in our world, but from a simple hug that spoke of warmth and honouring the soul of all people who cross your path.

And so all those doubts and fears start disguising themselves as no money, no time, being ignored and deliberate left of Kick ass lists.

Are you like this too?

Do you start bitching and complaining as to why things don’t work for you and why no one will notice you?

It’s because you won’t notice yourself.

I know what lies at my heart centre. I know what I really want to do. I now just have to find a way to let go of the excuses and to start living from that place.

Forget the fact that I’m not perfect and understand I don’t have to be.

Know that I truly do have something I can share to help others. It doesn’t mean that I think I am special or enlightened or better than, I have just found ways to make things in my life work and I have found ways that don’t work and I can help others when they face similar crises or perhaps to avoid them.

That is why we are all here– to live our purpose and to share and help one another live theirs.

That is what I truly believe in my heart centre.

And so each day as I wake up from this comatozed state I put myself into, with thanks to my silent mentor, I will continue to step boldly into that great unknown, the place that terrifies me and share a little more.

I keep my fingers crossed that I can help someone somewhere to understand that life really is beautiful, that their life counts and they have magic within them that is dying to be cast out for the world to experience.