I walked tentatively through the birth suite doors, unsure of what I would find on the other side.
My sister sat beaming on the bed, traces of blood still remained around the room.
“Look at my beautiful baby boy,”
The joy was unmistakable.
“You know it was the most horrific pain I’ve ever experienced, but I don’t even care anymore. It all goes once you see your baby.”
Unexperienced in motherhood at this stage in my life, I was shocked by how calm and happy she was despite all she had just been through.
“I’ve got third degree tearing. But it doesn’t even matter.”
I gulped. “Third degree tearing? What the hell is that? ” I’d heard of third degree burns before, which co-incidentally, my sister got on her hands once from cutting chilis.
She went on to explain the intense and forceful birth she had, that was brought upon by the fact that she was induced. It was so volatile that it basically ripped her apart.
And there was planted a seed of absolute terror in me of ever being induced.
She was induced again for her second boy, and while she didn’t tear up again in that way, it was still shockingly intense.
When I fell pregnant with Kalyra, I hoped and prayed for the whole 9 months that she would not come late, as I did not want to be induced.
I was so happy when my waters broke two weeks early.
But, then she decided that she wasn’t going to come and those doctors spoke those words I feared the most,
“We are going to have to induce you.”
“No please. Just give me one more day.”
“It’s too dangerous, we don’t want any infections to start.”
Terrified, I allowed them to put the drip in my arm at 4pm on Sept 10, a Monday afternoon.
I had prepared myself physically for labour. I was fit and healthy, and mentally I was ready to take each contraction as it came and learn how to manage that pain.
The induction gave me no time to do that. The contractions pretty much started with small gaps between each for about an hour, and then they just kept rolling in, one on top of the other. My mind never had a chance to try and tell my body what to do before another one swept me up in a painful trance. It was sudden and intense and while I never had any tearing like my sister, it was full of pain.
I’ll never forget being in the place knowing that I could not go back, but had no idea how to go forward.
And so for this pregnancy, I hoped and prayed that we could do it completely natural this time. For the last three weeks I have been having small braxton hicks and lots of period pain type cramps. Excellent. My little girl was giving me time to practice for the real thing and I was convinced that she would come early.
Yesterday, she was due.
Yesterday, I had yet another scan as the doctors are concerned I am too small.
Yesterday the doctor told me,
“The circumference of your baby’s tummy is too small. This can indicate to us that your placenta is dying. It’s nothing to worry about, but we are going to have to induce you.”
Just like my sister.
Two babies, two inductions.
And just like Kalyra, it is going to happen on a Monday afternoon at 4pm.
I was ready for childbirth this time. I was ready to kick that pain out of the ball park.
And now all I can think about is the drip stuck in my arm and the heart monitor machine wrapped around my belly restricting my movements and limiting my ability to walk or move the pain away.
All I can think of is the sudden wham of those contractions that hit you from nowhwere, and just keep rolling and rolling on in.
There is no such thing as a birth plan. You can’t have one. It’s not up to you. You just gotta roll with the punches.
I’m going to come out swinging Induction.
You’ll be the one shaking in your boots when I’m done with you.
Psst. Bubs, you’ve got two days before those mean monsters forcibly eject you from my stomach. Don’t let them do that to you. Come on out now.