I have reverted back to my pre-walking days of so long ago.
I’m crawling ever so slowly forward. The minutes stretch into days of painful waiting.
I’m ready for closure. I’m ready to move forward into the next chapter.
A chapter that has to be brighter and sunnier.
I remember the early days when Kalyra was born. They will filled with so much sunshine. I delighted in every waking moment. Despite the lack of sleep, I had a lot of energy and a lot of love.
I’m counting on that again to boost me up.
When I’m ready to move forward, I’m ready. I don’t feel I need to wait or crawl. My attitude is always “Let’s go!”
But now I have to whisper the words, “Let it go.”
It’s so totally not up to me right now.
I feel like I have been pregnant forever and I am so tired. In a way I really have been pregnant for longer than most, for a year. Last year I was for three months, three long months of tiredness and nausea before we discovered there was no baby.
Then it took a couple of weeks to get over the D & C, and then it wasn’t long after that that I was pregnant again. No wonder this time I feel likke it has been eternity and I just want it over.
I feel haggard and worn, and I look it.
This has been one of the most challenging years of my life. It has been filled with sickness, adjustments, and a lot of unnecessary personal stress that, when mixed in with pregnancy hormones, has brought with me a roller coaster ride from hell.
The sunshine has not burned as brightly as it usually does.
That is why I am longing for this new chapter.
Spending each day with my new baby girl and my big little girl.
Having my body back so I can exercise vigourously and detox.
Fixing my diet.
Getting these projects that are lingering to start until bubs arrive, to bloody well start.
Shutting out all the black noise and drying up the tears.
I need a fresh start.
The mid wife told me all these fake contractions lately are just bubs getting prepared. Perhaps another week.
I guess that is better than another five which, if she is late, is possible.
C’mon bubs. Let’s do this. I’ll smash down the pains of childbirth if it means we can just meet each other soon.