Another day goes past. Of routines, preparation, managing, correcting, teaching, cleaning, pleading for good choices, not being listened to, dealing with the stress of trying to get children to eat vegetables and sleep.
Fucking sleep.
That’s how I usually refer to it now. Haven’t had much of it in 5 years. I have two children who don’t like it. Two girls who love to battle it and battle with me when it comes time to go to sleep and stay asleep.
I go through the parenting motions and ponder,
“Does everyone hate this as much as me? How could any parent seriously say they enjoy parenting? Really?
Do they love changing nappies, wiping up spew, trying to uncover what the crying is about and then find the solution, trying to instil discipline and the ability to make smart, responsible choices and then patting backs for hours in the hope sleep will arrive”
It sucks.
Parenting SUCKS
Nobody tells you the truth and yet they expect you to be masters at it. Do it right or the judgers will soon appear tusking and waving their fingers.
Except no one knows what is right. There is no parenting manual that exists, except for those who judge. The chosen ones. Those who were sprinkled with the all-knowing fairy dust in the delivery room:
You are now the perfect parent. You will do everything right and with those special powers you have now been given the right to judge other parents who are scrambling in the dark.
Thou shall not breastfeed in public.
Thou shall not yell at your children.
Thou shall not smack your child.
Thou shall not travel with your children.
Thou shall not allow your child to scream in an airport- else be classified as the useless parent who can’t settle a child.
And if thou shall let your child scream in a cafe when I am trying to drink my coffee in peace, I shall come and tell you what a useless piece of parent space you are.
I don’t know why the hell I wasn’t sprinkled with the perfect parent fairy dust.
(Although I must say it is a little boring to be right all the time. Actually it is a little boring to be right only to cover up the fact that you are not perfect. Why not just admit you aren’t and move on?)
Every day I struggle to get parenting right.
Most evenings I go to bed and run through the events of the day and my management choices.
Geez, you messed that one up Caroline. How could you say and do that? How could you not get it right? Don’t you know the damage you are doing?
Parent of the year strikes again.
(You see I don’t need any judgmental perfect parents around me, I beat myself up way more than you ever could)
Most evenings I am tortured with guilt and regret.
I close my eyes and pray that tomorrow will be better.
I will get it right tomorrow. I’ll learn and fix my bad parenting woes. I’ll hold my girls a little tighter and let them know just how much I love them, and that I’d die without them.
“You see my precious angels. No one ever told Mummy how much parenting sucks. If I am completely honest with you, I hate it. It’s so challenging and demanding. All I want for you is to have a healthy, happy life, but most of the time you don’t listen to my sage advice on how to do this. I struggle against you to help you.”
Most of the time Mummy just doesn’t know what she is doing. So sometimes I get it wrong. Some days worse than others, and some days I do alright.
But the real truth is that despite how much parenting sucks; despite the fact that your screams may have continued all day and night, and you didn’t listen; despite telling me you hated me, followed with a swift kick; all it takes from you is one smile, one funny line, one cute expression or a silly dance and I am in love with you all over again.
I hate parenting, it sucks.
“But, I love being your mother.”
I’ll ride the sucky wave for ever. I’ll ignore the haters and will gladly stand on the box and proclaim that most of the time as a parent, I am completely useless. I’ll never follow the manual–it’s too rigid and boring for me and I will always struggle to know what is right.
Actually thank Christ I haven’t perfected things because then I’d have nothing to learn, there would be nothing for my girls to teach me.
I’ll keep striding forth, because I am a mother and mothers do. Mothers have love as the central focus in their heart and because of that they can withstand anything thrown their way.
Mothers fail, mothers win and mothers hearts break; they rejoice, they cry at random things they never would have cried at before, they embrace all things small and cute, and they’d take a strange child into their arms as their own, even though they often won’t know what to do.
I hope my little angels you will see me more as a mother than as a parent, even though it seems like the parent side of me exists more.
P.S. If you could help me one little bit, could you girls just get yourself to sleep for once, like in about 5 minutes instead of 2 hours. Pretty please.
Do you think parenting sucks?
Do you love being a mother anyway?
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You are not alone. In fact by the time I visit this site again this evening, there will be dozens of comments agreeing with everything you say. Of course we love our kids but the gig is pretty relentless. We wanted to travel Australia for a year with our kids (8 and 11) and the one thing holding us back a little is being all together 24/7. Yowzer!! And yes, every night I vow to do it better and it does get much easier once they’re a bit older, though I’ve yet to hit teenage years! Gulp. Take care.
Relentless is the word alright. I think I have a post coming up called I just need 5 minutes. Travel brings it to a whole new level! It is so rewarding but geez is it challenging. With two girls I’m already dreading the teenage years!
I love how honest you are.
I’m not a parent … Yet. But I do a lot of babysitting. I was definitely one of those who thought parenting was that lovely thing that you got a manual too & it would just come so naturally & easy. But since looking after a 1yr old and a 3yr old at the same time I realise that isn’t true, especially at bed time. Man isnt that is a mission.
I know I want kids someday but I’m definitely no longer under the illusion that “life will stay the same” haha wishful thinking that a few of my girlfriends have.
For now for me babysitting is giving me my maternal fix and the best part is I still get to sleep at night. Best of both worlds.
I particularly liked the bit about “I hate parenting but I love being your mother”
Beautiful post Caz, keep up the awesome work, I’m sure your girls will grow up to be amazing, happy,helpful, caring, beautiful women – who loved your parenting.
Oh Janie bed time is hideous! I reckon half the battles would be gone if they just made this easy time. This really is most of my bother, and the teething and the eating of the vegetables and the…
It’s actually great you are getting so much insight now before you have kids so you’ll know what to expect! No shocks for you. I actually used to believe the saying Slept like a baby!
You need help! This is exactly how I felt when my two were little and if I had been offered some help I think that the experience might have been a little different. I don’t know your situation but if things are that bad, try to make some changes. Can you get some time out – can a relative help out? Maybe you are suffering from postnatal depression – have you talked to a doctor? If it’s that bad, maybe get a part-time job for time out? I did just that even though once I’d paid childcare I earn’t nothing but it gave me time to get my head back in order. Being a mum is the toughest job I’ve ever done and I still struggle even though my kids are teens. The good thing is, they adore you and they won’t judge you – all we can do is our best.
Oh no it’s not that bad! I think whether its good or bad parenting is bloody hard work! They are good girls… mostly
and I love them to bits. I’m busy a lot of the time with my online work so I get my time out. We’ve got both sets of parents nearby so we get a lot of help. Thanks so much for caring. It’s so awesome to connect with women who understand and support! I don’t think the tough stuff ever ends, I still see my parents constantly worrying about their kids and still parenting and we are all in our thirties!!
Oh man, I totally hear you on this except that my ‘baby’ is 20 !!!! And still driving me nuts. I never thought I would do this but during this week she has pushed the boundaries just one too many times so we gave her an ultimatum – follow the three rules of the house or find somewhere else to live. It breaks my heart thinking about her leaving but, for her own good, she has to learn that there are consequences for her actions. If we don’t teach her this, who will ?
I’d like to say that it gets easier – and some things do – but at the end of the day, there will always be challenges – they will just change as your children get older.
I am starting to think – small children, small problems, big children, big(ger) problems !!!
Don’t beat yourself up – at the end of the day, you can only do the best that you can do with the knowledge that you have at the time – that thought is one that got me through many tough times. I know I am not / was not / will never be a perfect parent, but I can honestly look back and say that I have always done what I thought was right at the time – sometimes I look back and think “Geez, I really screwed that one up” – but, at the time, I thought it was the right decision.
Have a great weekend !
Me
Thank you so much for sharing your experiences Me. It’s so great to hear from someone with an older child who can look back and say despite feeling like you were always failing you still did what you thought was right.
Parenting is tough right? especially when you have to make decisions like you just have. Tough love is all part of it and I so agree about learning consequences. I hope it all works out for you and your daughter.
So true, it does suck. When I had my almost 2 year old I felt like I’d been lied to. Why didn’t someone tell me how hard it was. 3 weeks off having number 2 and that is it x
Oh yeah, number 2 sealed the deal for me too! I often wonder how on earth people with five kids managed and are not insane.
Hey, Caz! You are not alone, and I can so relate to the lack of sleep. In fact I don’t know how you manage to run a successful online business and bring up two gorgeous girls who always look happy in the photos;) I was in a sort of London, pea soup fog for about five years thinking Chinese torture was preferable to sleep deprived parenting. But it gets easier, and there is justice I reckon … Tough toddler years equals great teenagers! Hang in there Mother, and especially hang onto the moments that you can never get back when they are all grown up.
Love that! Chinese torture- lol. I am so hoping we have great teenage years, but my girls are so fiercely independent and willful we could be in trouble
Yes parenting is definitely hard work and so relentless. But having had 3 children close together then having a break and having 2 more children, I feel like I am starting again with the little ones. And whilst I love the big ones just as much, I am actually enjoying parenting these 2 much more. I guess it comes down to experience but I think I have a realisation of how much stress we put on ourselves that is so unnecessary. It sounds cliched but I dont sweat the little things nearly as much anymore. I don’t worry about the rules that say when to stop feeding my child a bottle. I don’t worry about the judges that look when a child is crying. I am confident that I can get these kids through based on the values and things that are important to our family. It is never going to be easy, nothing will ever be perfect…but without sounding like one of those ‘know it alls’ my only advice to new mums is to let go of the need to do everything right. (by the way your girls always look so happy and have a fabulous life of wonderful experiences…so I think you are doing an amazing job!)
So great to hear your wisdom on it Martine. I’m certainly more relaxed with Savannah. Maybe I need to have more kids to hit that ultra chilled out zone
I think mothers frantically worry about getting things wrong because they are aware of how much it can mess up a child. Maybe we hear too much about people’s issues in life stemming from what their parent’s did. Maybe our society is too soft in that way, blaming parents instead of making every person responsible for their adult decisions! Something to think about!
Oh my, seems we are on the same wavelength today as I posted about my parenting woes today
you are right, parenting sucks!! I love my kids but this gig is damn hard and I will readily admit it! Glad to hear others that feel the way I do.
Lucky we love them so much or we’d all check out!! I read your post and loved it
Relentless. I hear you. And I carry this extra layer of guilt and self-doubt because of going through infertility and then adopting our kids – if I wanted children so bad then how can I ever feel that parenting sucks! I must be so ungrateful when I’m parenting ‘someone else’s children’. Maybe Mother Nature was trying to tell me something all along. Intellectually I know that these feelings are crazy, but our minds do funny things to us don’t they.
Our minds sure do. I think it is normal for any person to struggle with these feelings of disliking parenting. I mean we go from an independent life with so much freedom to suddenly having to give all of that up to perfect an extremely demanding role, that doesn’t even let you sleep much!!
Kathy, adopted children are a whole other ball game due to poor in-utero experiences, and with older children, exposure to abuse or neglect during their first three years of life. You really can’t compare. I have four adopted children and it’s been a hellish experience, not so much because their behaviors are so much worse than those children described in this blog but because they lack so many of the positive behaviors that make you say “I love being your Mom.” If you are finding this to be true for you, try the online parent support sight http://www.attachmenttrauma.org
Katharine
Thanks, I needed that!
If anyone told us how hard parenting would be none of us would have gotten knocked up. Period.
I often wonder if it was like this in my mother’s generation. The judgment is so suffocating- and I mean from other mothers. I can’t wait to read the responses here of some women explaining how she has the answers and I must be doing it wrong! Point made.
Instead of lifting each other up, I find we tear each other down. Parenting is damn hard work- I adore my son, with all of my heart, but I find parenting heartbreaking as well. Days when he can’t manage to follow the social norms and other children are cruel, or vice versa- heart torn out.
And instead of support, we often tell each other why the other parent is superior in some way. Are we able to honestly look at ourselves? I don’t know. I have not found this to be the case.
I don’t think we have it right- this generation. I am not saying our parents had it right either. But I do know that after attachment parenting, breastfeeding forever, unschooling, and constant contact and sleeplessness that I am bled dry.
Where is the balance here? I don’t know, but I am sure this is a big mess waiting to be written about in psychological journals for years to come.
Zombie mothers. Get to work psychologists- your fortunes are waiting to be made….
I so agree with you Beth. Parenting realizes how strong love is. If we didn’t have that love we’d have left them at the beginning. I don’t think it will ever get easier, there will always be challenges and heartaches. I was thinking this morning as my daughter barely gave me a wave goodbye after I dropped her to school, how much I still love her even though she breaks my heart!
I think if more mothers accepted that it’s okay to struggle and not know everything then the more women will come together instead of trying to tear each other down. We’re all in this together and trying to make another mother feel small so you can feel a little more capable does not do anyone good. It’s a shame that more people don’t get this but the media certainly inflame things.
I think you are right about psychologists, maybe that is a good biz opp for us
Thanks for sharing with us Beth
I hear you and I can relate to a lot of it. I just wanted to let you know that there are parenting manuals that can help with the sleep issues and they do work. Because I have twins, I was motivated to solve this problem early and it took some work but we sorted it out around 12 months. At age two both of them are great sleepers now and I’ve been getting enough sleep myself for at least a year. I’m not saying this to boast or to make you feel bad but just give you hope. Five years is definitely too long for you to be patting for hours and for you to go without enough sleep of your own.
Thank you Caitlin! My eldest is a pretty good sleeper now. She started sleeping through at 2 years old so has been pretty good since then. My youngest is good at sleeping through the night, it’s just getting her to sleep is a problem lately. It is getting better. We no longer have to pat her to sleep and we are able to move out of the room just before she drifts off. I think it will get better from here on out.
I am the mother of two boys. One is 20 years old and one is 16. It is exhausting being a parent. Wondering if you are doing the right thing. Both my boys need a dose of tough love but I’m never strong enough to stick it out. My oldest has always been a tough one to raise and now he goes to community college and won’t get a job. My younger son is a struggle just getting him to go to school ….. Mothering is the most important job there is and yet so easy to screw up. The guilt when you think you’ve screwed up is horrible. The guilt when you KNOW you’ve screwed up is sometimes impossible to get over. I love my boys but I should never have been a parent – I’m ill-equipped but certainly not from lack of trying or lack of love. I think I just never demanded the respect I deserve and never stuck with the discipline. Too late now!
Oh Linda I am sure you are a wonderful mother. We can never quite see how great we are as we are always plagued by guilt and doubt and we only see what we do wrong. I think all parents go through the same struggle and I can only imagine what we’ll go through when our daughters are teenagers.
Its refreshing to read this – I’m three months in to my first and only and he is absolutely adorable but the parenting bit – damn hard already and many of you are right, we think we know what we are in for….. I reckon if we did know how hard it is, there would be no future population – ha ha!
I reset every day, regardless whether I have cried, laughed, drank a bottle of wine (not breastfeeding – ha) been lectured about not breastfeeding, etc – resetting is my one saviour!
Thanks for sharing
Bottles of wine–the joys of not breastfeeding!! It’s a mother’s saviour. Ignore the lecturers aka perfect parents. Whatever! I think you have to reset every day and our babies are so lucky we love them so much.