Do you need fixing?
Have you ever sat in a dark and lonely room wondering what the hell is wrong with you?
Why am I so different? Why don’t I seem to fit in? Why can’t I be loved? Why do I fuck up everything I touch? Why can’t I be more?
The endless quest to fix ourselves, like we were born tainted. Something to despise and be disgusted in.
Who can say where this comes from?
For some of us it’s hazy and can’t clearly be defined. For others it’s a life of neglect or abuse or discomfort with the fact that we are different. Our thoughts and ideas don’t seem to match others and for that we think we should feel shame and face ridicule.
I know how you feel. I’ve been there.
One powerful lesson I learned from many years of travel is that we are so much more alike than we are different.
It doesn’t matter if you live in an igloo, plough the rice fields with a village buffalo, herd the cattle of the Masai plains, or do the hoe down at the local community hall, we are similar in our essence than we are in our traditions and lifestyle choices.
We all feel the same pain, the same disconnect, the same longing to be loved and accepted.
We go through those moments when we feel like we aren’t.
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The Struggle for Self Acceptance
An introvert, so shy I could barely whisper my name, yet many were happy to whisper it in the corridors of school and behind bushes.
I’ve been there. What’s wrong with me? Why does no one like me? How can I fix myself?
The boyfriend who could not return my infatuation and felt content to give it instead to those to younger and prettier than I
What was wrong with me? Why wasn’t I good enough?
The trauma of trying to hide it all behind endless partying, silent tears, and sometimes louder ones.
To the dream I then tried to chase. And the harder I chased, the faster it ran leaving a wake of destruction in its path.
The time came when I thought I had fixed myself. A wonderful husband, a beautiful child, a life of adventures.
Yet, it still arrived.
The moment when I fucked it all up. Why couldn’t I be like others? Why couldn’t I have the success I desired? Why did others seem to have their shit so together?
When was I ever going to get it right?
On my knees in my wardrobe sobbing.
Please fix me.
Have you been there, some way or another? Do you wonder if you will ever get it right, if the pain will stop, if you can stop being a cyclonic wave of destruction?
I started this blog because I knew we are all alike. I know that we all suffer pain and hardship and I know that we are never alone, even if we think we are.
I’m here to let you know that you don’t need fixing.
There is nothing wrong with you. You are perfection that has forgotten that.
Forgotten that you are perfect and that you can never be perfect so stop striving for it.
Finding my self acceptance
The moment I changed my thinking. The moment I believed that I have it all within me. The moment that I accepted that I am perfect even with all my flaws was the moment I stopped trying to fix me and was healed.
The problems still come but now I embrace them. I can handle them. I know it is not just me, it is just life.
I don’t need to fit in, I don’t need to always say the right things, and sometimes I say really wrong things. I don’t need to make all the right decisions, I don’t need to be loved by everyone and it’s okay to be hated by many.
All I need to do is be me.
There are no drugs, no bottles of tequila, no therapy classes, and no other person who can fix you.
Just be you. You defeated millions of other sperms in the race to be you. You won. You earned the right to be you so start filling that space and accept how special it is.
Are you okay with who you are? Do you have self acceptance or do you feel you need fixing?
Comments
Kate
This is beautiful, Caz! I love your eloquent reminders that it’s okay to be human.
Always enjoy reading your blog 🙂
Tracey @ Bliss Amongst Chaos
Thank you for this post Caz.
I feel like I’m not good enough ALL the time….I’m not a good enough mother/wife; I’m not a good enough wildlife carer; and (since starting my blog) I’m not a good enough writer etc etc. In almost every facet of my life. I’m still waiting for the time when I’m happy within my own skin.
I’m hoping I’ll get there soon, because it’s exhausting doubting myself all the time.
xx
Caz Makepeace
Oh you are a great writer! And I am sure you are great at everything else too! I wish we didn’t beat up ourselves so much. Walk gently with yourself and life- keep remembering the fact that you beat millions of other sperms to get here- you are a natural born champion! IT is extremely exhausting doubting ourselves which is why we have to let it go and trust that we are perfect just the way we are
Kathy
Caz – very honest and very true and you say it so well. We waste so much energy on judging ourselves that we could be putting into growing ourselves into even better versions of the perfect souls we already inately are…kathy
Caz Makepeace
Exactly Kathy- just focus on making each day better than the last. If you mess up, fess up and then let it go and learn
workingwomenaus
This is so timely for me Caz. Thank you for such a wonderful, thought provoking post. I’m currently at the self-doubt phase due to some issues with a client, and I’m going to embrace my differences and accept the things I cannot change. I’m also going to stand up for myself.
Caz Makepeace
Sometimes we really do have to find the courage to stand up for ourselves and not feel bad about it. You can do it in a respectful way that also shows that you are also important and worthy. I think too often we worry about upsetting other people so we don’t do it but at the expense of ourselves. I hope you can get it sorted out