I finally fessed up and spoke the truth of the knot of hate that has been within me for so long.
I read the words in a book that snapped me into the realisation of how I was feeling.
And I spoke the same words aloud
“I’m mad at you God.”
There I said it.
The night sky lit up outside my window as the most electrifying lightning bolt I have ever seen in Australia struck the ground. (True story)
Shit why’d you have to go and say that Caz.
Despite the thunder raging around me and the lightning continuing to rain down, I stood my ground (except I was lying down) and I spewed forth everything I had been holding inside for so long.
I was mad, disappointed, frustrated, sad, and had felt betrayed.
I let it all loose, how much she pissed me off for not living up to her end of the bargain and constantly dumping shit on my head. “I said yes remember and you keep saying “Not yet!” Enough already.”
“Why are you like that? That is not all loving.”
And so the conversation continued my words of rage verse her rage of nature.
Soon the storm calmed outside and inside.
A gigantic hole that used to be filled with anger and fear now existed, ready for me to fill it with love and peace.
While I don’t understand God and the role he plays in my life or anyone’s, I knew I had been holding her responsible for so much that has gone wrong in my life. And that was preventing me from moving forward, and from believing that I deserved it.
How could I believe it when I believed God held everything to ransom over my head and that she is a mean and vengeful God who only brings you setbacks and challenges?
I hope my rage at this entity unseen got all of that out.
The lightning bolt did not strike me, and now I just might be able to understand a little more what God actually is.
He seems to tell me that he is like a loving parent that wants what is only best for you, who sits in the background and watches and guides as you freely make your own decisions and mistakes. She’ll always do what she can to help steer you back on course, but sometimes you gotta crash before you can do that.
I’ve just got to learn to stop blaming those things that exist outside myself.