Transitional Hell
I know what purgatory feels like– like hell. Actually it’s worse then hell. At least if you go to hell you know where you are, why you’re there and where you’re going.
Not like this crazy limbo land of transition. The past you’ve left for dead and there is no light into the future, at least one you can’t yet see. You’re wandering around in this area of gray absolving yourself for your past sins and trying to figure out just where the light should be and why are you having so much trouble trying to find it.
Transition. The place I am living from right now and have been for the last 6 months. It wasn’t meant to be like this. We were meant to arrive home and then in a few months be ready to go somewhere again.
But, then things happen.
For one, the baby. An unexpected surprise which kind of laid the move to Thailand plans to rest for now.
The proposal that never went through which kind of stopped the expensive travel around Australia trip. Sorry Australia, can’t really promote you now, you’re just too damn expensive.
And then the annoying and hyped up consulting offers, kind of disappeared with the shitty-arse people who don’t communicate, yet want to call themselves business people.
Our recent financial disaster has wiped out our back up funds that would have enabled us to make a quick decision to move anywhere but here.
Why?
Because here is the last place I want to be. Nothing wrong with the place, its just not the place for me, and each day spent here sees my soul sucked a little further dry.
So now I am twiddling my thumbs not knowing what to do next. I go from moments of sheer terror at the uncertainty of my life to feeling elated with the idea of the monumental surprise just lying around the corner. I mean, I deserve it right? I’ve paid my dues and I’ve become better for my penance.
Didn’t someone say with great chaos comes great change? A re-invention of oneself and life. That is all that is happening right now, a re-invention. A change. A catapult through the gray into the kaleidoscope of new beginnings.
I will continue to take each day one step at a time. I will continue to be happy and positive. I will continue to ask for the light to soon show itself and to remove me from this purgatory place of transitional hell.
Have you ever been in transitional hell before? How did you get out and what great change lay waiting for you on the other side?
Comments
Andrea
Hey Caz, sorry it took me a few days to get here and check out your new blog but just want to say first off, congrats!! I think this is an awesome project and I’m going to subscribe as soon as I finish typing this comment because as you may remember we’re talking about starting a family next year – will be great to read your tips =)
I say “talking about” starting a family because as your whole post has really captured here, we all make plans in life and talk about things we are going to do and want to do but who knows where we’re all going to end up in this madness we call life? Sometimes it’s a happy madness, sometimes not so fun. Especially when the things we really want don’t pan out.
Sorry to hear you’re having so much trouble in a transitional period. It’s great that you have an outlet with your wonderful talent for writing and this new blog project is probably just what you need. All of the things you are describing are so close to my own secret fears about next year. That after this amazing year we’re having travelling around the world that we’ll get stuck somewhere we don’t really want to be. Our plan is to move to a new country next year as well but it’s completely dependent on where John’s career takes us (mine is more location independent). The world is financially crazy right now and there is no certainty that the right job will be in once of the regions on our wish list. We had a conversation the other day about getting stuck in Perth, which for me would be heartbreaking. As much as I like the place, it is not where I see myself getting “stuck” at this stage in my life so far from the rest of the world. And Australia is expensive and far from my side of our family and friends.
But there’s no point for me to worry about these things now – just trying to enjoy life and our travels and we’ll figure out our next move closer to the end of the year. Just wanted to let you know that I can really relate to the way you’re feeling and it reminded me that maybe we need to make a back-up plan and figure out what is really important to us so we don’t find ourselves in the same predicament.
Wishing you lots of luck with the things you’re trying to work out now business-wise and look forward to seeing how it all pans out!
Caz
No worries Andrea. Thank you so much for coming over here to see the site and for your support.
There are many times of unhappy madness in your life, you just have to accept it as being so, do what you can to learn the lesson, and understand that it will soon pass.
I would hate to see you or anyone become stuck like we have.. It is our own fault, we made some stupid decisions which killed us financially. We are rebuilding now and know that it takes time. It can be so frustrating but you just have to keep moving forward.
I wouldn’t worry about it too much now, but work on your back-up plan by focusing purely on what you want. Don’t let your logical mind give you any limitations. The sky is the limit.
If there were absolutely no barriers where would you go and what would you do? You have to focus on the answer to this question only. Don’t waste your time thinking about how this is going to happen. That is not your job. Focus on what you want, imagine how good that is going to feel and picture yourself living that life.
I used to do that all the time Andrea, and magic would appear in my life. I would always get what I want, and then for some reason I stopped doing that and started worrying about things. I started focusing on limitations and why things couldn’t happen and my life when totally pear shaped. if Perth is not where you want to be then erase it from your thoughts and replace it with where you really want to go. If you don’t know that yet, then don’t worry, just visualize your dream lifestyle and that answer will come later. It takes time, but it works. I am getting myself back on track by thinking like this again. It’s kinda cool to see what magic appears.
Let me know what you come up with.
Torre
Caz, I love your reply to Andrea. It’s so full of wisdom and balance.
I feel for you. So many things going on; so many uncertainties. I have no doubt that you’ll get unstuck, it’s just a temporary purgatory.
Caz
Thanks Torre
I know it is a temporary purgatory. Just got to keep moving forward. As Winston Churchill said “If you are going through hell, keep going.”
Andrea
Thanks for the words of inspiration! =) Will be sure to let you know what comes to me…